You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2012.

Sipping the usual caramel frapp in my favorite spot. Changi airport.

While everybody’s out enjoying the countdown in town or with friends elsewhere, I chose to be here instead. I could’ve met with people & joined the crowd yet I prefer being by myself at this moment.

Why? Am I antisocial?

Of course not

There’s a time & place to socialize & party. But this represents me best. Quiet, peace, at a spot where I can watch the world go by. Dreams & adventures depart & arrive daily at the world’s most important hub, the airport

And this setting fits nicely as I reflect upon 2012, give thanks & prepare my goals & aims for 2013.

First: a million thoughts whirl in my head, where shall I begin?

This hadn’t been the easiest of years, but it might just be the most important foundation year.

2012 started with little hope. I wasn’t doing well in school, stuck in a dead end cell group. With needs unmet & a less than ideal financial situation. I was a tinderbox of emotions, wrath, anger, bitterness often clouded the heart. Head wasn’t much better, vindictiveness often reared its ugly head.

Yet I’m still thankful, for god made the end of 2012 better than its beginning.

How?

I’ll start with school

As an economics student, economics was my feared subject. My mountain. So one can find it an oxymoron for an econs undergrad who’s afraid of econs.

Yet I thank god for his grace. Friends who’ve helped me along the way, teaching me never to give up. To persevere & approach econs from a different perspective. Friends whom took the initiative & effort to study together even when it’d be easier to just leave me alone to flounder.

Most important, for the breakthrough just 2 months before the exams. I managed to catch & enjoy macroeconomics.

Understanding the IS-LM curve with exports caught the inquisitive & knowledgeable side within me & suddenly econs became a joy to study. To analyze, to discern, decipher & equate.

Mathematics too, it took me 10 years but finally 2012 was the year I’ve finally mastered the fear of algebra. Now maths is no longer a stumbling block but a stepping stone.

And this year was significant, not only did I finally clear maths 1 & econs but managed to get 2nd upper marks for econs too!! Indeed all things are possible with god.

It has also revived the dream god has given me as an economist.

Today? Econs is now my fave subject. To think in a manner of management, exercising wisdom & caution. To think critically & thoroughly has also shaped me as a person and moulded me into a calmer, rational, clinical thinker.

And one more thing: I’m also grateful to god for friends!!

Studying in UOL is often lonely, really difficult to find friends & buddies to study with. And many times I was consumed by depression taking on econs & statistics. I’ve spent the first half of the year asking & silently praying for good friends to study together with.

Today?

Wow

Not only does god answer prayers, he does it in style. With mystique & doing so leaving one in divine awe.

Out of nowhere in my first class in 2012/2013 I’ve bumped into Jessie. Lo & behold as the weeks went by we formed an impromptu study clique. And now studying is fun!!

Thank god for Jesher, Janice, Darren, Yingiet, Sheryl, taitai, Jessie & angel!! If anyone’s reading this. Thank god for all of you!! Love ya!!

And best yet, for the ‘suicidal’ subject combo of econometrics, macro, micro & corporate finance. There’s Yingiet & Jessie to study with and strive together. Indeed god is wondrous, he never let’s us walk alone.

And moving on. Next is the cell group.

The year started with us slowly getting diminished, members leaving whilst moving on with their lives, getting married etc.

And the situation just got worse with unmet needs, infighting, amongst other issues best not to divulge here. It came to a head even as friends whom once counted themselves as strong fell away from god.

I myself came to the brink of leaving, only to hang on because of the relationships forged within. For 2 years we prayed together for a breakthrough.

And once again, when god delivers. He delivers completely.

By divine reasons, we came under Johan’s zone & we feedback the situation clearly to him. And thank god, we were moved out of the old & brought into the new.

Now I find myself counting Johan as my leader. And am I blessed.

N318 was a promised land!! After 5 years of drought in church, now I’m in a family who genuinely loves, cares & laughs together. Finally I’ve a family of brothers & sisters whom I can relate to, share struggles with, laugh & cry with, cheer & play together with. And best yet, all of us from W375 are still together. And our bonds are now stronger than ever. Indeed we never walk alone.

Oh yes, how can I forget. One of the constants in my life.

Liverpool football club.

2012 is a year to forget. But an important one too. Suarez becoming a villain, but in the eyes of many reds (especially myself). He has established himself as a misunderstood but undisputed hero & genius.

The FA cup was lost. Dozens of unjust refereeing decisions. (It reeks of dirty FA politics) king Kenny dethroned, even as we won the carling cup.

More worryingly, we seemed to forget who we once were. What we stood for, what it means to wear that shirt. What it means to win.

To win for the people, for the fans.

But I take heart in this. We’ve the best supporters in the world. I mean it.

The very best, the most loyal, patient, knowledgeable group who won’t be colored or influenced from the outside.

Brendan Rodgers is the boss, and while luck is taking its time coming home, his brand of passing. ‘Death by football’ reminds the Kop of ‘pass and move’.

Liverpool is not like the other clubs. No billionaire sugar daddies, no commercial conglomerate behind the board, no ‘most popular club in the world BS’, no best player in the world.

We need to be reminded of who we were, who we are & who we will be.

And Brendan is the man.

Even as the play is beautiful, the final touch is still lacking. Nevertheless the rise of Raheem sterling, suso, Andre wisdom shows that the crown of a team is still the academy. The buy of joe Allen & Nuri sahin brings a wonderful blend of class & intelligence to the middle. But most of all: Luis Suarez becoming the no 7 I always knew he’d become.

I’ve favorite players I’ve adored. But Suarez catches my eye & snared my heart like no other.

Gerrard is the one I respect & look up to as a man. Alonso I love for his class, professionalism & groundedness. Lucas for his strength of character & unselfishness. Allen for his intelligence, teamwork & the closest physical resemblance to myself (I’d probably be most like Allen if I became a footballer).

Suarez however, trumps them all. He is The favorite.

Not his skill, nor his vision, intelligence or even his antics.

He has a great, warrior heart and most of all. His human nature.

He really, really reminds me of myself.

His sheer warrior spirit, his cunning, will to inflict maximum damage, raw determination to keep going, never giving up, his loyalty and character to bounce back even as the world turned its back and crucified him.

He took it all & grew into the tornado, one man army, Iron man he is now.

How he continually battles, do ridiculous stuff, plays and celebrates like a fan & his willingness to ‘take one for the team’.

He is me, I really see myself in Suarez. And I see him seriously challenging Gerrard as a legend.

And his year reminds me of mine.

And now the world is starting to see his quality, I believe he’ll lift the title with Gerrard. And he’ll be in the nominating list for the ballon d’or. Soon.

Speaking of myself.

This has been a year of stability, I’ve learn to control my emotions, talking to myself and learning to calm down. In the process finding out so much of me & accepting who I am.

Learning to love myself hasn’t been easy, but its such a basic foundation one must have. Why?

God chose to love me as who I am, just this year he chose to teach me to do the same.

Now I understand the introvert within. The warrior within, the intellectual within & the man within.

He has also taught me to be independent, to know myself better, to reaffirm who I am in him.

The troubles & friction this year brought served to show me who I really am, where I can grow & where I’m strong. And I’m grateful for all god has brought into my life to reveal who I really am.

And on relationships…..well

I thought this year would be the year. Where I’ll finally find her. It came close, well nothing came out of it in the end but it was good. Why?

Now I know what kind of girl suits me…. And also the various circumstances and the groundwork it takes to make things happen, to make it conducive.

More importantly, to lean on god & wait for his timing in all things.

From an anxious boy wanting a girl by his side, god has made a more mature man knowing what he wants, understanding what it takes of him & what it requires not just to get into a relationship, but to nurture it into a lifelong journey. God has not made man to be alone but also for him to take stewardship for the partnership to grow & bloom.

Having said that, there’s been a few twists & turns. Some doors are left ajar. And for a couple there might just be more. Guess i’ll find out this year or the next.

I just have 3 criteria, she needs to be mature, patient & pleasant on the eye. An intellectual match would be nice as a challenge and a wonderful bonus if she’s a red. (Not a core one, but very nice).

However the dealbreaker’s if she’s manipulative, childish, immature or a spendthrift.

And yes, if she’s a devil. Haha

Supporting the devil is the utmost sacrilege, I’m not in the business of giving glory to the devil.

And every MUFC/LFC match would be WWIII at least twice a year!!

And finally, movies.

Movies this year have been…..wow.

Avengers, hunger games, the dark knight rises & the hobbit.

Each represents phases of this year, in growth, in laughter, in character, inspiring various thoughts within.

Avengers? Fun, teamwork, unity. Even the most disjointed groups can be united with a common purpose, respect & understanding. Iron man & hawkeye are the ones I could identify with the most.

Hunger games? Human nature & the kind of ruthlessness needed to survive out there, but also how to adapt according to the situation.

TDKR was the most impactful, it reflected the year I had. Trapped in a rut, lost of all faith. But coming back & sacrificing all to’ve a clean slate & a fresh start. And Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne came closest to matching the silent tortured hector I was for most of 2012.

And the hobbit!! My fave movie universe, this generation’s Star Wars.

A new adventure, setting out to the world unknown, friendships, quests & fantasy. And this abodes 2013 ahead!! Can’t wait for the next episode already.

And iron man 3, Thor 2, hunger games: catching fire. Yeah I’m a movie buff at heart.

So there it is!! 2012 in a nutshell (albeit a humongous nut)

I’ll post something on 2013 within the first week, gonna spend time quietly & with god on how to make 2013 memorable 😊

Happy new year everybody!! Let 2013 be your best yet!

‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’ How ’bout when a man’s ego is torched?

1st post from the mini, after what seems like a gazillion years away from the blog.

Indeed how time flies!! So many happenings this year, some good, others, not so.

But hey, all things work out for the good for those who love him. No?

First meeting in JJ zone. Glad & grateful to have Johann not only as a zone supervisor, but also as a cell group leader. After all that’s happened in the past, how some dreams die, but new ones are birthed.

So…. What next? Honestly, I daren’t go beyond school days as I’m in the take things as they come phase. Learned not to be so presumptuous and to yield to god’s ways over certain matters. Especially in the realm of relationships.

And there’s also a certain change in my personality. Something’s……hardened?

Perhaps more streetwise. More battle-ready. Some issues were ironed out, those that weren’t….well lets just say I’m getting better at masking it with a smile. Good or bad thing? Perhaps both.

And there’s a certain nasty streak. As long as something’s deemed to’ve crossed the line. Especially if the other party’s well aware & recalcitrant. I somehow go into combat/war/attack mode. Where in a not so good way I launch a counter strike at the offending party, often in ways that let them have a taste of their own medicine. Not nice, nor good I know……

Tells you all you need to know about the experiences & hurts I’ve encountered before. And still struggling.

At least now I’ve no desire, not as much as before to conform & be accepted. To remain unique, just as I am. But to be unique also means strengths together with flaws. The full package.

But I’ve had it with been trodden upon. Made to feel like the odd one out, or the joke of the group. Least of all in a safe environment. And sometimes when being nice for too long doesn’t solve the issue….. Time for a shot across the bow. Before the artillery comes their way.

And it only stops when (if necessary) both parties have been damaged to a certain extent. Where the lesson is clear to the other party. Especially with words & deeds.

I’m not to be stepped on, ever again. But I do know this ain’t gonna end well. In fact I know god’s gonna frown at it.

But then again, I’m human ain’t I? Until he does something, or something happens. This is a weakness I’ve.

Ego, to a certain extent self-esteem. I won’t tolerate anybody stepping across the line of making me feel like a freak or the odd one out.

End of rant. I’ve launched a heavy strike on someone close today….. Still feeling the anger even after an hour, but I know the remorse will follow shortly….

Just like batman/Bruce Wayne in Christopher Nolan’s depiction, I’m one step away from being a full scale murderer (rage) even as he tries to keep it in control as Gotham’s protector.

And the friend’s depiction of myself as Loki……well even if its true it still burns within. Why’d such a depiction?

I’m NOT LOKI. I’m hector. I’m not a villain, but don’t push me too far. Or the guns will be loaded. Don’t load the guns or point them towards you. Not gonna end well…….

Rant over