Let’s not hide anything here, this is gonna be brutally frank and honest.

Whatever happened over the past month has revealed my capacity, and my strength and weakness.

For the first time in months I’ve been stripped, examined and laid bare over all aspects of my life by God. And what happened over the last week has proved one thing:

My last weakness is also my lifelong Achilles heel: Emotions

So many things have added up: non-stop work, school, ministry, assignments plus the added stress of family. There is a growing feeling of loneliness in what I’m doing. And it came to a point where it literally exploded. It’s bad enough to face through all that and still push through, fight through all those challenges.

It’s even worse when there isn’t anybody to back you up at home. I’ll be frank, I’m coming home to a father who’ve never approved of my decision to receive christ. Faced opposition and disapproval from him for years over almost everything I’ve ever done. His failure in keeping the family intact, and now the rest of us picking up the pieces and carrying on. Those emotional wounds still run deep between my sis, mom and I.

Everyday its a battle of wills, his altar and his group on one side, me and God on the other, I still remember the night he hammered on my door while praying three months ago. Threatening to break in, I never prayed that desperately and with tears with Jesh and Alvin on the line before. If it weren’t for them and God……

Well, all been said and done, he’s still my father after all

Ever since, I’ve always had this problem of containing of my own emotions. Either exploding at every opportunity. Or suppressing it deep within, hiding under a veneer of cold machine precision of perfectionism before something ignites everything stored inside. Like a dormant volcano erupting violently. Knowing God has tamed it somewhat, now SOT is the time to weed it out once and for all. That’s why the breakthrough’s coming in July when Pastor mike comes.

This is the last mountain, the last stronghold. Once this is overcome, then all the promises for this year can then be fulfilled.

I need a breakthrough, this battle is not against anything or anyone, it’s my personal fight with myself, my emotions.

Proverbs 24:6

For by wise counsel you will wage your own war,
And in a multitude of counselors there is safety.

Thanks Jesh. Your counsel today reminded me of this verse I found during quiet time yesterday. The very same verse that the Israeli Mossad builds on. (Israeli Intelligence Agency)

I will not quit, I will stand my ground and conquer my demons

Ok, a round around the reservoir to let things go =)